I have seriously been trying to upload the same haul video for four days!
UGH!!! I am so frustrated. I have been sick now for two weeks, so I know that it’s starting to affect my attitude. But, here’s the thing–my channel is already (in my mind) hanging by a thread. First of all, I kind of consider myself a YouTube video connoisseur–and there are so many people out there making better videos than I am. I mean, I watch people like Shaaanxo and I just think “Oh my God, why is anyone out there wasting their time with me??!!” I have serious YouTube self-esteem issues. I film and re-film every video I post a half a dozen times or more, mentally criticizing everything from how oily my skin looks to the color of my hair. My lighting absolutely sucks–my entire house is dark and confined–certainly not what you want when you’re trying to film a video. I cannot seem to get a decent-looking background. Most of the time, it’s a huge pile of clothing or the back of my dresser. I’ve done myself in before I ever make it to the editing…
Speaking of editing, it simply takes FOREVER. I am a talker (more on that in a second), and I over-explain and ramble my way through every video. I usually have well over an hour of footage to trim down as much as possible, and while I’m filming I try to tell myself to pause between products and such–but as soon as I start actually filming that all goes out the window. My editing software also takes two to three hours to compress and save each video file. Then, I’m looking at maybe four to five (or more!) hours to upload to YouTube. That’s been my problem this week, my video keeps freezing as I try to upload it to YouTube. I spent over 8 hours trying to do it yesterday, it kept freezing at 87%. I had a moment where I actually told myself “Ok, I give up. No one will really care if I ever upload again. My videos are crap. I’ve spent a full week on this one video–and it’s absolute crap. My hair sucked, my skin was greasy, and my makeup looked like shit. Why am I doing this to myself? I give up.”
So, I realize this is all the stuff that you as the viewer don’t ever get to see (unless you have your own channel and go through these things–in which case, I feel for you!). I know that I’m not thinking about the work someone puts in while I’m watching videos–I just judge them based on the content (which as I said before I haven’t been to pleased with in my case anyway). I used to make negative comments on videos, like if I didn’t like the makeup look someone posted or if I felt like they were selling out by promoting certain products. Yeah, nothing stops you from doing that quite like the first negative comment you get on one of your videos! I have been told that I am fat, ugly, rambling, and fucking crazy (their words exactly, so sorry for the language!) through my comments. I have been told that my eyes are both spread too far apart and too close together. I even had someone tell me one time that my lips are disgusting-and that one really threw me for a loop because I’ve always believed that my lips were one of the (only) pretty things about me. That comment really stuck with me, right along with the one about being fucking crazy.
You have to be really creative to make it on YouTube. You’ve got to have a really thick skin. You have to be sure of yourself. These are all the things I wanted to be, but right now I feel like I’m failing miserably. I used to look forward to making a video, but lately I just feel like it’s become a negative thing for me–when I wasn’t making videos regularly I was constantly stressed because I wasn’t filming, and now that I am making videos I’m stressing because I don’t feel like they are of any quality. Plus, I have been working for over 16 hours to get a twenty minute video up. UGH.
So yeah, I don’t know how to proceed from here. I am so thankful for the kind people that enjoy my videos (although I may not feel they are that good), the ones that say sweet things and check on me when I’ve been away. These are the people I think about every single day I’m away. These are the people on my mind while I’m fighting my beliefs about myself, my editing software, and when my upload freezes right at the finish line. These people are worth a million of the ones that tell me they don’t like my personality or how I look. And usually I see it like that–I just happen to be blogging while I’m sick and beyond frustrated. So, I’m sure I’ll press on. I’m sure there’s a really good lesson somewhere in here for me about not giving in to the negativity.
I’m going to try out something new with this blog–so you have to let me know what you think about it. Instead of just posting about whatever video I’m doing, I thought I would truly make this a blog–I’ll probably do some posting about whatever is going on around my YouTube channel, but I’ll also blog about things like this that are much more personal. I promise that most of them won’t be negative like this one was. Most of the time I am a really focused, positive person. I believe that mindset is EVERYTHING, so I won’t dwell on anything negative for too long because I don’t want it to continue. Hmmm! Maybe I’ll talk more about how I believe mindset affects things in my next post…
Hope your day was better than mine, for sure!