To ‘Tube or Not to ‘Tube?

I have seriously been trying to upload the same haul video for four days!

Thumbnail photo for my haul video--if it ever uploads haha

Thumbnail photo for my haul video–if it ever uploads haha

UGH!!! I am so frustrated. I have been sick now for two weeks, so I know that it’s starting to affect my attitude. But, here’s the thing–my channel is already (in my mind) hanging by a thread. First of all, I kind of consider myself a YouTube video connoisseur–and there are so many people out there┬ámaking better videos than I am. I mean, I watch people like Shaaanxo and I just think “Oh my God, why is anyone out there wasting their time with me??!!” I have serious YouTube self-esteem issues. I film and re-film every video I post a half a dozen times or more, mentally criticizing everything from how oily my skin looks to the color of my hair. My lighting absolutely sucks–my entire house is dark and confined–certainly not what you want when you’re trying to film a┬ávideo. I cannot seem to get a decent-looking background. Most of the time, it’s a huge pile of clothing or the back of my dresser. I’ve done myself in before I ever make it to the editing…

Speaking of editing, it simply takes FOREVER. I am a talker (more on that in a second), and I over-explain and ramble my way through every video. I usually have well over an hour of footage to trim down as much as possible, and while I’m filming I try to tell myself to pause between products and such–but as soon as I start actually filming that all goes out the window. My editing software also takes two to three hours to compress and save each video file. Then, I’m looking at maybe four to five (or more!) hours to upload to YouTube. That’s been my problem this week, my video keeps freezing as I try to upload it to YouTube. I spent over 8 hours trying to do it yesterday, it kept freezing at 87%. I had a moment where I actually told myself “Ok, I give up. No one will really care if I ever upload again. My videos are crap. I’ve spent a full week on this one video–and it’s absolute crap. My hair sucked, my skin was greasy, and my makeup looked like shit. Why am I doing this to myself? I give up.”

So, I realize this is all the stuff that you as the viewer don’t ever get to see (unless you have your own channel and go through these things–in which case, I feel for you!). I know that I’m not thinking about the work someone puts in while I’m watching videos–I just judge them based on the content (which as I said before I haven’t been to pleased with in my case anyway). I used to make negative comments on videos, like if I didn’t like the makeup look someone posted or if I felt like they were selling out by promoting certain products. Yeah, nothing stops you from doing that quite like the first negative comment you get on one of your videos! I have been told that I am fat, ugly, rambling, and fucking crazy (their words exactly, so sorry for the language!) through my comments. I have been told that my eyes are both spread too far apart and too close together. I even had someone tell me one time that my lips are disgusting-and that one really threw me for a loop because I’ve always believed that my lips were one of the (only) pretty things about me. That comment really stuck with me, right along with the one about being fucking crazy.

You have to be really creative to make it on YouTube. You’ve got to have a really thick skin. You have to be sure of yourself. These are all the things I wanted to be, but right now I feel like I’m failing miserably. I used to look forward to making a video, but lately I just feel like it’s become a negative thing for me–when I wasn’t making videos regularly I was constantly stressed because I wasn’t filming, and now that I am making videos I’m stressing because I don’t feel like they are of any quality. Plus, I have been working for over 16 hours to get a twenty minute video up. UGH.

So yeah, I don’t know how to proceed from here. I am so thankful for the kind people that enjoy my videos (although I may not feel they are that good), the ones that say sweet things and check on me when I’ve been away. These are the people I think about every single day I’m away. These are the people on my mind while I’m fighting my beliefs about myself, my editing software, and when my upload freezes right at the finish line. These people are worth a million of the ones that tell me they don’t like my personality or how I look. And usually I see it like that–I just happen to be blogging while I’m sick and beyond frustrated. So, I’m sure I’ll press on. I’m sure there’s a really good lesson somewhere in here for me about not giving in to the negativity.

I’m going to try out something new with this blog–so you have to let me know what you think about it. Instead of just posting about whatever video I’m doing, I thought I would truly make this a blog–I’ll probably do some posting about whatever is going on around my YouTube channel, but I’ll also blog about things like this that are much more personal. I promise that most of them won’t be negative like this one was. Most of the time I am a really focused, positive person. I believe that mindset is EVERYTHING, so I won’t dwell on anything negative for too long because I don’t want it to continue. Hmmm! Maybe I’ll talk more about how I believe mindset affects things in my next post…

Hope your day was better than mine, for sure!

–Cookie

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. AuttyW
    Aug 03, 2013 @ 05:22:07

    I piddled myself when I saw this post on my twitter! I definitely think that your videos are absolutely fantastic! I do agree that you need thick skin to upload videos. You’ve got to have thick skin to be a blogger as well, even though the comments aren’t as mean and hateful as they are on YouTube. I definitely think that you should blog some more! It’s a lot less stressful than making videos because you don’t have to spend all of those hours editing and compressing videos. But definitely don’t stop! If it helps you can write out the type of points to want to make sure you hit that way you may not ramble as much. I personally don’t mind your long videos and whoever said that your lips were ugly needs to be slapped. I can’t wait to see what you have coming in the future! xx

    Reply

  2. Cassie
    Aug 03, 2013 @ 12:26:20

    Cook; coming from another who has made videos for YouTube; I know exactly how those comments can stick with you; you are beautiful and kind, your eyes are perfectly suited and spaced wonderfully and your lips are fantastic! Never let those comments from no-ones affect you. They probably have some issues themselves. You know what they say about karma; I for one, love your videos; they aren’t full of “rambling” or you being “fucking crazy”, they show a gorgeous, sweet woman who also has a love and appreciation for makeup and style. That is invaluable. Secret: when I’m down cookie, I watch you.
    Love, a fan/friend; Cassie
    Susiewantsasqueeze

    Reply

  3. Lindsey M
    Aug 08, 2013 @ 20:50:42

    Oh Cookie!!! I absolutely ADORE all your videos! You’re entertaining and down to earth, regardless of what others say/think/feel/do (and that goes for your own negative self-talk, too)! You’ve been my favorite YT beauty vlogger/guru (I like tons, but you are by and far my favorite!) since I stumbled across you ages ago. You do gorgeous looks that aren’t *a million and one ways to do a “neutral smokey eye”*, you have excellent points when you review products, and you’re an all around likable person.

    I know that putting yourself out there has got to be difficult, but I do appreciate each and every single video you’ve produced and published. I could care less about a perfect background, or a flawless makeup look because I’m more interested in what you have to share with us. Your Color Theory is one of my favorite series and I refer back to those videos often (a little too often, if I’m being honest!). You are wonderful and I hope you continue to share yourself with us in the YouTube platform. Hugs!

    Lindsey

    Reply

    • Cassie
      Aug 08, 2013 @ 23:38:31

      Oh cook! To tell you the truth, I fell in love with you because of your bob Ross video, and when I friended you on beautylish, I never expected you to friend back; let alone invite me into your exciting collaboration group on YouTube! I don’t get star struck, only a few times in my life I was ever in awe of someone, when you started to contact me I was over the moon! You are truly amazing mama; never let anyone tell ya otherwise;)

      Reply

  4. cosmeticaitlin
    Aug 09, 2013 @ 04:03:49

    Hey miss lady! I have to tell you that you are not alone! I’ve been wanting to make beauty videos on YouTube for the longest time, but I’m petrified of the potential “fat girl hate” that still exists unfortunately. I have such a passion for cosmetics and the beauty world, but when I make videos I sit there and talk for too long, or mess up, and then there’s omg do I really look like that?! And then I start thinking who would really want to see this with all the other amazing beauty gurus out there? Anyway girl, I love your videos short or long. You’ve become such a good friend of mine, and you just inspire me every time I watch your videos. I hope we get to collab sometime whether it’s through YouTube or the actual blogging community :) stay fabulous! <3

    Caitlin
    http://www.cosmeticaitlin.com

    Reply

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